A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs :

In her 20's, they are more like melons, round and firm.
In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?", the son asked.

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry", said the father.

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter turned around and asked her mom, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?".

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through these three phases :

In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.
In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree".

"A Christmas tree?", the daughter asked.

And to that, the mother replied, "Yes - the root's dead, and the balls are just for decorations!".

A little boy often heard thumping noises from his parent's bedroom. One night, he crept from his bedroom and peeked into his parents bedroom and saw his mom on top of his dad.

The next day he told his mom what he saw and wanted to know what she was doing on top of his dad. His mother was shocked and embarrassed at the same time. She tried to make it look very casual.

She said, "Oh, your daddy is too fat, so I was trying to slim him down."

The boy then immediately replied, "It's no use because the lady next door comes around when you're not in to blow him up again."

A man complained to his friend that he did not know what to get his wife for her birthday. "She already has everything you could think of, and anyway, she can buy herself whatever she likes."

"Here's an idea," said his friend. "Make up your own gift certificate that says, 'Thirty minutes of great loving, any way you want it.' I guarantee she will be enchanted."

The next day, the friend asked, "Well? Did you take my suggestion?"

"Yes," answered the man.

"Did she like it?"

"Oh yes!" the man answered. "She jumped up, kissed me on the forehead and ran out of the door, yelling, 'See you in thirty minutes!' ..."

Two men were waiting for the heaven's gate to open. "How did you die?" one man asked the other. "From Freezing," the other man answered.

"How did it feel?" the first man wanted to know, "At first it was quite bad; I felt my whole body go numb and crack but soon it kind of wear off. Then I felt a sensation of peacefulness and the whole thing became an almost enjoyable experience. Anyway, come to think of it, how did you die?"

"From a heart attack. I suspected that my wife was cheating on me. Hoping to catch that sneaky man, I came home early one day unannounced and rushed into the bedroom, taking three and four steps at a time. I couldn't find him, so I ran down the stairs straight into the basement. I couldn't find him there either. Then I rushed up the stairs again to the attic. My weak heart couldn't take all these and I collapsed."

The other man then said, "If you had stopped to look in the freezer, we'd still be alive."

After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.

"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave the airport?"

"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "They never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

"There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. "Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

"So bust him," says the Chief.

"I don't think we want to do that - he's really important," said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

The Chief then asked, "Who have you got there, the Mayor?"

Cop : "Bigger."

Chief : "Governor?"

Cop : "Bigger."

"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it then?"

Cop : "I think it's God!"

Chief : "What makes you think it's God?"

Cop : "He's got the fukkin' Pope as a chauffeur!"

A drunk walked into the bar and casually said to the bartender, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartender did just that and handed the man a bill for $39.90. The drunk said, "I haven't got the money." The bartender slapped the guy a few times then threw him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walked into the bar and once again said, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looked at the guy and figured to himself that he could not possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gave him the benefit of the doubt, poured a round of drinks for the house, had a drink himself and handed the drunk a bill for $36.00. The drunk said, "I haven't got the money." The bartender could not believe it, so he picked the guy up, beat the living daylights out of him, then threw him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walked back into the same bar and said, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink and give me the bill." In disgust the bartender said, "What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replied, "No, you get violent when you drink."

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table. "Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note, he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, breakfast is prepared set alongside the morning paper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious. Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! While Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said,... "LADY, LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!!"

Moral of the story :

Self-induced hangover - $ 400.00
Broken crockery - $ 800.00
Breakfast - $ 10.00
Saying the Right Thing While Drunk – "PRICELESS "

This five year old girl came home from kindergarten one day with a 'connect-the-dot' project she had just completed. Her mother admired her work and, after praising her, sent her to play with her three year old sister in the living room. Some time later, the mother decided the girls were too quiet and went to investigate.

She found the two girls on the floor with the family pet. They were using marker pens to connect the dots on their Dalmatian!

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A judge told the man in front of him : "It's alcohol, and alcohol alone that's responsible for your condition."

He answered : "You've made me a very happy person. Everyone tells me it's all my fault."

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A monkey in a deep jungle looked at the explorer and said to the monkey beside him, "To heck with the Darwin theory - they're not going to make a man out of me."

This robber from across the border robbed a bank in Texas. He managed to evade arrest for a while but eventually the sheriff spotted him in a bar and caught him.

He brought in the robber for questioning and demanded that he tell the truth, "Where did you hide the loot?" Unfortunately, the robber couldn't answer as he could only speak in Spanish, so the sheriff asked the only lawyer in town, who happened to speak Spanish, to translate his question.

The frightened robber blurted out in Spanish that he buried the money under a tree in the churchyard. The sheriff turned to the lawyer and asked, "What did he say?"

The lawyer answered, "He said that you are a crooked bum law-keeper who cannot shoot a bull three feet away."

Shawn and Mabel get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Shawn's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Mark, Shawn's little brother gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Shawn and Mabel are up yet. She replies, "No." Mark asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Mark comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Shawn and Mabel up yet?" She replies, "No." Mark says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Mark comes home and asks again, "Are Shawn and Mabel up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK, now tell me what you think?"

He says, "Last night Shawn came to my room for the Vaseline and I think ... I gave him my airplane glue ..."

A circus owner advertised for a lion tamer but only two people applied, one a shapely lady and the other a young man. The circus owner warned them that the lion was very ferocious and had just eaten the last tamer. Both the applicants answered that they were not afraid and would like to have a go at it.

The lady chose to go first. Walking towards the lion's cage, she ignored the chair, the whip and the pistol the owner had provided them. She bravely entered the cage.

The lion immediately charged at her, growling and snarling and showing its teeth in threatening fashion. However, it stopped short of attacking. And then, surprisingly, it gave out a kittenish purr and snuggled close to the lady. First, pressing against the lady's face it gradually began kissing and licking all over her. After a while, it dropped on its hind legs and slumped down and rested against the thighs of the lady. The owner was utterly taken in. He turned to the young man and said, "Can you top that?"

"Sure," replied the young man. "Just get the lion out of the way."

There was this boy whose father had just bought a new Mercedes. His father told him he could not get to drive the car unless he improved his grades in school, study the bible and had his hair cut.

A month passed and the father told him, "I'm rather proud of you. You have improved your grades and even your knowledge of the bible is now quite good. But there's one thing and that is, your hair is still long ..."

The boy protested, "But Adam had long hair, and so did Moses. Come to think of it, Jesus had long hair, too."

His father replied, "But they walked."

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny. The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

Man : "Haven't we met before?"
Woman : "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
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Man : "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman : "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
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Man : "Is this seat empty?"
Woman : "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
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Man : "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman : "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
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Man : "Your place or mine?"
Woman : "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
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Man : "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman : "It's in the phone book."
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Man : "But I don't know your name."
Woman : "That's in the phone book too."
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Man : "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman : "I'm a female impersonator."
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Man : "I know how to please a woman."
Woman : "Then please leave me alone."
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Man : "I want to give myself to you."
Woman : "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
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Man : "I can tell that you want me."
Woman : "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you ... to leave."
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Man : "Hey Cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman : "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
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Man : "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman : "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
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Man : "Your body is like a temple."
Woman : "Sorry, there are no services today."
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Man : "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman : "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
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Man : "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman : "Yes, but would you stay there?"